2024-10-26 1630
holy shit. neocities says i haven't updated this in a year but that can't be right. it has to have been closer to 2 years. i left off talking about baking cheesecakes and a light drive to bake things. the cheesecakes came and went, and the friendship did too, because that person isn't my friend anymore. he didn't like anything i ever did. i was a stupid stepping stone and never meant anything to him. also, when i last wrote, i was in the midst of addiction. i had a very heavy addiction to benadryl, oxycodone, and DXM. i was so deluded and lost. and i had nothing left honestly. i wanted to die really, really bad. i was a highschool senior and i wasn't even going to classes. i would wake up late, go to maybe 2 of my classes, and go home at lunch. i would just go home to get fucked up. i was alone, i was silent, and i never ever opened up to anyone. it sucks looking back on it. i was so clearly fucked up. i still am, but i have a partner now. and he isn't someone i used to be friends with!!! he was friend adjacent with me for months beforehand though. i love him a lot. where it stands, we have been together for almost 2 years. i wouldn't trade it for the world. i got diagnosed too! i'm autistic, mildly schizophrenic, EXTREMELY anxious, and still depressed. it sucks, but i got medicated and now it's as if my head got muted. they put me on some super awesome anti psychotics and now i am actually comfortable with myself. there is so much i want to say. i will add it to another log.
2024-10-26 1745
jesus fucking christ i hate this. i hated myself so much. i tried so hard to convince myself i enjoyed my "friends". i'm going to use this entry to write a letter to myself when i was writing these. here goes.
dear anna, i'm so sorry. you never deserved to feel that way. zen, keely, jayden. none of them mattered, ever. you should never have let yourself go. i know why you did, it's ok. you wanted to be your true self, and you lied to yourself during your addiction. that wasn't you. you wanted love. and to have people around you who actively enjoyed your company. and you do now. oh. i should say. you got medicated. it turns out you're autistic, paranoid, anxious, and depressed. you got medicated, heavily. it's good for you though. it isn't like middle school. imagine if your head was quiet. and it wasn't screaming, or crying. nice, right? that's everyday now. your body changed, and your body issues left. it really did just take time. you have curves, and real boobs, and you aren't starving yourself. you do throw up constantly, but that's due to the plethora of medications you're on. (you're on one for nausea too! they really think of everything.) you have a real partner who REALLY likes you for you! it is weird. he likes you and you don't get it sometimes. you've actually told him a lot. it is difficult. you still have an extremely hard time opening up, but you'd rather open up than hurt your partner. you realized people actually can like you past your physical form. you also realized, people really like your physical form. like. a lot. and it's weird because you still see yourself as nothing special. you're really yourself now though. you play games you like, you dress the way you like, and you really are you. this is going to beimpossible for you to read. listen though, please. you are addicted to the medications you think you are only "dependent" on. nice fancy word retard. but you stop in a couple months when you meet your partner. you can't be this gross skinny drug addict with an eating disorder for him. you just act like yourself. and he really does like you, i promise!!!! and you LOVE him. you had a crush on him in freshman year, and you never pursued it so it's really weird to have finally won. and he's so beautiful, and so handsome, and so so kind. he is so proud, it hurts him. but he is true and loyal. ohh, right. forgot. you aren't friends with anyone you're currently friends with, besides kiwi. he's still your bestfriend. zen did like you. he did obsess over you. to the point he used an account claiming to be his sister from utah to stalk you for a year and get mad at you through. you stopped talking to him in december of 2023. it has been quiet and nice since. it sucked, because you really did care. you wanted only the best, but he was too different from what he had been. enough about that loser! you have a full time job!! stable income!! toby is still alive, and now he's sweeter and kinder. and you love him all the same. you have a car, and it's great. god. i wish you knew!!! how good it gets!!!! you EAT!!!! YOU LOVE YOURSELF SO MUCH MORE!!! the anxiety you have isn't real!!! your paranoia about someone killing you and death, and your strange desire to collect religious charms and just general objects and give them protective meanings? paranoia!!! your innability to trust your eyes? paranoia!! how i wish you could feel how i do!!!!! the love you wanted is yours, and the people you gave your love to are suffering with you gone. zen isn't even a citizen, he's fighting for his citizenship and he lives on keely's couch!! true pain! austin? suffering too!!! you are so full of love. and you finally have friends to share it with. only you will truly understand. you have someone who kisses you, who you sleep with, and says he loves you. and he means it. he squeezes your hand, holds your hand in public, and does things you like. and your friends like him. 2 years of love are waiting for you after you survive your accidental overdose on christmas eve. just wait. it is worth it. i promise. oh. i guess this is important too. you're a boy inside. you told close friends, but no family. you go by ella now, and use they/them. you refer to yourself as a boy. it makes you happy. you truly are you. i love you. ella
2024-11-01 1753
all of my issues boiled down to me not having any geniune friends i am so tired. i pretended for long. i feel sick.
07072025
letter to 2024 delusional anna
bitch stop fuckin crying and actually do something FUCKKKKKKKK!!!! i was lying to myself so harddddd bitch a healthy relationship does not make u want to relapse!!!!1!1 i am happy now!! truly!!! i can say that because it's true this time!!! i stopped fucking caring and putting in effort where it wasn't reciprocated and WOWWWWWWW LOOKS LIEK SHIT ACTUALLY MAKES U ENJOY UR LIFE AND NOT JUST SURVIVE IT!!!!!!1111!!!!! your partner SUCKKKKKKEDDDDDDDDDDDDD and i hope he's fucking suffering wherever he is!!!!!!!!!!!!! that fucker was so greedy and nasty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111 we did NOTT WANT TO BE A BOY EITHER IDGAF WAT PROBOUNS U USE ON ME I AM JUST ME AT DA END OF THE DAY !!!! sure the like "socially a boy" feeling is there but like. that aint goin nowhere tbh i just wish 2 be seen as more than an object :3!!!! my EX liked dudes and my already weird internal self view turned into LETS BE A BOYYYYYY BOY ADJACENTTTTTTT !!!!! NO!!! we r GOOD we like being ME and only me!!! we r anna-gender i am a 1:1 and aint no one else me!!! for the first time in my life i have someone who likes me and is willing to look beyond my body and what i can do and actually see me as a person and a patner and a friend and see who i am and indulge in my interests. remember how hard you tried to get your ex to listen to you when you talked about your interests? yea well guess what. now not only does your partner indulge, he asks you questions and actually shares a couple interests with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 and he doesn't make fun of you!!!!!!!!111 i'm adding on something i wrote here 2 months ago. it was the final awful explosion of everything you'd felt for 2 years. in a theoretical final word to your ex, you wrote : "idk why but i really wanna write it all out. you were the worst. you knew this and never tried ONCE to be anything better. you cheated, tried to make me feel bad for saying i loved you, were just disgusting, made fun of me for shit you did to me, and never ever respected my feelings. you're a piece of shit and i would never take you back. i can't believe you made my cat miserable to the point he wanted to live outside. i cried so many nights thinking about toby and wondering what i did wrong when he just knew all along you were miserable. and now you can be your miserable self in redmond. alone. with no one to leech off of. it is genuinely all you deserve. you were given the utmost love and care you could have ever gotten and threw it away to try things out with a guy who just satisfied some weird fetish of yours. you made me miserable. you made me wonder what i was doing wrong, when i never did a thing. i only ever loved and cared. you just hated that i wouldn't hate you. you made me so sick. so sick i couldn't even eat and i'd just throw everything up in the shower undigested. i wasn't me. my mom noticed. you wanted me to be this object of desire that i just was never going to be. i was never going to be your 250 pound girlfriend with insane boobs and a full time job who mommied you and never made you work. i was as supportive as i could be within reason. i can at least say thanks for 3 things. thank you for taking an interest in me and getting me to get sober inadvertently. thank you for introducing me to your friends. and thank you for showing me what i never want again. i never want to be a caretaker. i want to be a partner. half of a whole. someone with meaning beyond money and a cook, and someone to just do everything you're too lazy to do. i never want someone who is so insecure and jealous that they isolate me. the things you said were insane. the things you did were worse. never once did you ever stop being addicted to porn, never once did you consider how i felt, and never once did you ever try to satisfy me. you kissed me maybe once and then immediately tried me. do you know how disappointing it is to have your partner go limp because his dick can't handle that it's not in his hand? it sucked knowing that there was a spot i was never going to fill. do you know how disgusting i feel knowing i was so desperate to please you and be intimate with you i'd let you just watch porn and jerk off on me? it's a low i'll never get back and it sucks. but i can at least say you're never getting me back. you never really wanted me anyways. you wanted the idea of me, you wanted what i did, not me. you wanted my income, and what i could make. when you called me to try and have me take you back, i've never been angrier. you have the balls to say you'd never stoop so low, and then you proceed to be the worst. and it was never out of care or love. someone with care and love doesn't tell their partner that if their relationship ended right there, on their anniversary, they'd be satisfied. you disappoint me in so many ways. i hope that you never ever feel the satisfaction of a woman. no one should have to suffer through 15 minutes of boring sex in the worst position just for their partner to jerk off and not want them. you ruined things for me for so long. you made me okay with things i've never been fine with. you did exactly what you hated others for doing to me. you suck. i was never okay with a porn addiction, but you just made it so i had to be. you made every single day so exhausting i would look forward to work. i hated going home and just doing what you wanted for another 8 hours before i got to rest. and having to sleep at your beck and call was horrible. i should never, EVER have to wake up after sleeping for 5 hours on the weekend. you were horrible to me. horrible for me. you made me feel like i wasn't worth anything. like all i was good for was cooking and making money. you never complimented me, never asked about my interests, infact you made fun of them. you made so much fun of me. i indulged in your interests as much as possible. and you never once did the same. i don't think you deserve love until you have your heart torn apart. you should suffer and hurt until nothing means anything to you. i want to make it known that you were terrible. everyone knew. and i knew. and i waited out of spite. you never knew my birthday. never bought me anything. and you hated me asking for you to chip in. i'm glad you're gone. i can conclusively say i'd never take you back, ever. i've said it many times in this piece but it would never happen. i'm so much happier now. my cat is happy. and i don't have to throw up everyday. i thought if i let you rely on me, it would be a good headstart to get you up on your feet and on your own. and you never did that. i'm glad marshall didn't work out. it satisfies me to no end knowing you didn't win. you don't deserve to win. you deserve to get your shit rocked, and you deserve heartbreak. i told you i didn't hate you when you'd ask but everytime you asked a little more of me did. you stink and you suck and you deserve nothing awesome ever. also fuck you for making me cry, fuck you for telling me i was throwing a pity party while i was crying because you were just yelling at me, fuck you for never listening to me, and fuck you for never ever trying. the sheer lack of effort you were willing to put into what we had shows me exactly how you felt and how you loved me. you never loved me as a partner, you loved me as a caregiver." so, what do you think? were you really happy? or wwas this another case of "this is more bearable than what i just went through, so this is the best it's ever gonna get." i really wish you could see us now, 900 days sober and genuinely happier than i've ever been. you have someone who loves you for who you are, and wants to spoil you and care for you and it worries you because you're so used to shit just going wrong but there's been nothing to go wrong, and nothing bad has happened. you've just never been loved. you've been liked, enjoyed, used, but never truly loved. and i can say that with certainty because if they really loved you, none of them would have done any of those things to you. it's been tough at times, but now that you aren't just surviving, everything is so much better. you're getting another cat tomorrow. you and your boyfriend are calling him "the drink". you're finally ok. you're finally you. and you're truly loved for who you truly are.
hey, you're here! let's go home, okay?