2024-10-26 1630
holy shit. neocities says i haven't updated this in a year but that can't be right. it has to have been closer to 2 years. i left off talking about baking cheesecakes and a light drive to bake things. the cheesecakes came and went, and the friendship did too, because that person isn't my friend anymore. he didn't like anything i ever did. i was a stupid stepping stone and never meant anything to him. also, when i last wrote, i was in the midst of addiction. i had a very heavy addiction to benadryl, oxycodone, and DXM. i was so deluded and lost. and i had nothing left honestly. i wanted to die really, really bad. i was a highschool senior and i wasn't even going to classes. i would wake up late, go to maybe 2 of my classes, and go home at lunch. i would just go home to get fucked up. i was alone, i was silent, and i never ever opened up to anyone. it sucks looking back on it. i was so clearly fucked up. i still am, but i have a partner now. and he isn't someone i used to be friends with!!! he was friend adjacent with me for months beforehand though. i love him a lot. where it stands, we have been together for almost 2 years. i wouldn't trade it for the world. i got diagnosed too! i'm autistic, mildly schizophrenic, EXTREMELY anxious, and still depressed. it sucks, but i got medicated and now it's as if my head got muted. they put me on some super awesome anti psychotics and now i am actually comfortable with myself. there is so much i want to say. i will add it to another log.
2024-10-26 1745
jesus fucking christ i hate this. i hated myself so much. i tried so hard to convince myself i enjoyed my "friends". i'm going to use this entry to write a letter to myself when i was writing these. here goes.
dear anna, i'm so sorry. you never deserved to feel that way. zen, keely, jayden. none of them mattered, ever. you should never have let yourself go. i know why you did, it's ok. you wanted to be your true self, and you lied to yourself during your addiction. that wasn't you. you wanted love. and to have people around you who actively enjoyed your company. and you do now. oh. i should say. you got medicated. it turns out you're autistic, paranoid, anxious, and depressed. you got medicated, heavily. it's good for you though. it isn't like middle school. imagine if your head was quiet. and it wasn't screaming, or crying. nice, right? that's everyday now. your body changed, and your body issues left. it really did just take time. you have curves, and real boobs, and you aren't starving yourself. you do throw up constantly, but that's due to the plethora of medications you're on. (you're on one for nausea too! they really think of everything.) you have a real partner who REALLY likes you for you! it is weird. he likes you and you don't get it sometimes. you've actually told him a lot. it is difficult. you still have an extremely hard time opening up, but you'd rather open up than hurt your partner. you realized people actually can like you past your physical form. you also realized, people really like your physical form. like. a lot. and it's weird because you still see yourself as nothing special. you're really yourself now though. you play games you like, you dress the way you like, and you really are you. this is going to beimpossible for you to read. listen though, please. you are addicted to the medications you think you are only "dependent" on. nice fancy word retard. but you stop in a couple months when you meet your partner. you can't be this gross skinny drug addict with an eating disorder for him. you just act like yourself. and he really does like you, i promise!!!! and you LOVE him. you had a crush on him in freshman year, and you never pursued it so it's really weird to have finally won. and he's so beautiful, and so handsome, and so so kind. he is so proud, it hurts him. but he is true and loyal. ohh, right. forgot. you aren't friends with anyone you're currently friends with, besides kiwi. he's still your bestfriend. zen did like you. he did obsess over you. to the point he used an account claiming to be his sister from utah to stalk you for a year and get mad at you through. you stopped talking to him in december of 2023. it has been quiet and nice since. it sucked, because you really did care. you wanted only the best, but he was too different from what he had been. enough about that loser! you have a full time job!! stable income!! toby is still alive, and now he's sweeter and kinder. and you love him all the same. you have a car, and it's great. god. i wish you knew!!! how good it gets!!!! you EAT!!!! YOU LOVE YOURSELF SO MUCH MORE!!! the anxiety you have isn't real!!! your paranoia about someone killing you and death, and your strange desire to collect religious charms and just general objects and give them protective meanings? paranoia!!! your innability to trust your eyes? paranoia!! how i wish you could feel how i do!!!!! the love you wanted is yours, and the people you gave your love to are suffering with you gone. zen isn't even a citizen, he's fighting for his citizenship and he lives on keely's couch!! true pain! austin? suffering too!!! you are so full of love. and you finally have friends to share it with. only you will truly understand. you have someone who kisses you, who you sleep with, and says he loves you. and he means it. he squeezes your hand, holds your hand in public, and does things you like. and your friends like him. 2 years of love are waiting for you after you survive your accidental overdose on christmas eve. just wait. it is worth it. i promise. oh. i guess this is important too. you're a boy inside. you told close friends, but no family. you go by ella now, and use they/them. you refer to yourself as a boy. it makes you happy. you truly are you. i love you. ella
2024-11-01 1753
all of my issues boiled down to me not having any geniune friends i am so tired. i pretended for long. i feel sick.
hey, you're here! let's go home, okay?